Happy new year, readers!
What has been going through your mind this week?
Do you like the beginning of new years? I’ve never been good at joining in. Being excited when everyone else is excited, setting goals when everyone else is setting goals, making changes when everyone else wants to change. I get overwhelmed by the pressure to feel the same. And perhaps, too, I’m not the best at expressing my feelings of joy and excitement on demand.
I get nervous on the first of every month.
Like I do with change. With moving time.
And a change in month, a change in year, is a reminder that time is, most certainly!, moving.
Is it all bad nervous, though?
I used to get nervous before getting on stage. Before singing at church, before performing a play. What will happen when the curtains open? What if something unexpected happens? Everyone is going to see me. Everyone is going to see me stumble and fail!
It turns out, I would get through it okay. Sometimes, even better than ok! I would do well.
And I would feel this adrenaline in me, like anything is possible. So, what if I forgot a line? So, what if I stumbled? It doesn’t matter! I jumped in. A thrill. I did what scared me.
I suppose January 1sts are like standing behind the curtain. We want to do well. We want to be good.
And this January, for once, I’ve taken the courage to believe this year will be good. Because, maybe, choosing not to spiral into the “what if I fail”s and “what if I run out of time”s takes courage. To believe I won’t stumble and fall and make a fool of myself. Or, worse yet, disappoint myself. I am choosing to believe that despite my anxieties, I won’t be intimidated by entering the stage. We can feel nervous and afraid, and we can do well.
Every fear I feel isn’t predicting the future. I’m learning that, now.
I would like to do well. I want to be present, and not feel like time is cornering me. I want to move with time. Maybe then, it won’t feel like it’s against me. I’ve written that before, probably.
It’s winter in the Western hemisphere. Winter is quiet, it rests, prepares for spring. To move with time in this season, is to move quietly. It seems appropriate, then, to want to be quieter. I don’t have to be loud this January. I can eat soups with my friends, I can watch movies with tea, I can write down my ideas quietly. I can observe, I can nurture what I doubt in myself, I can plan for spring. I don’t have to get it right. I don’t have to change everything right now. To move with time, is to be still.
Winter, I’m listening.
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