Is this what life should look like?

Reflections before I turn 35

feelings are temporary

I didn’t think about my 30s much when I was young.

I thought maybe I’d be married with kids at 24. I thought maybe that’s what I was supposed to aim for. Maybe that’s what came next. When, in fact, I never really fantasized about wedding dresses or future family homes. I was too busy building empires on my PC. I wanted to be famous when I grew up. I wanted to keep making things. And I wanted to love. That’s what the future looked like to me.

I turn 35 on Sunday. “Mid-30s” now. Not married, no children. And not yet famous.

Am I doing this right? I wonder sometimes. Am I being human the right way?

I don’t think I’ve ever really thought of the act of existing as a guidebook we are to follow. Perhaps, it was being moved to another continent without knowing the language, and then being moved again back and forth across oceans on impulse that morphed my idea of a structured life. I’ve felt like an outsider since I was a child. My ‘normal’ was already abnormal and different.

From a small town in Switzerland, I’ve found myself in Los Angeles, California. For 6 years now. I am making things. I love without fear. I feel joy. I’ve remained curious. I know that I feel behind as an adult in some parts of my life, but when I look at the garden I’ve been planting, it is growing and it is fruitful. I’ve done it on my own. Pieced together with every person I’ve let in, and let go. Every person by my side. My garden—this life—is one I admire, I am in awe of. Look how far you’ve come, my love. Look how beautiful this all looks from here.

I don’t believe life fits into a box. It’s much grander than any structure. It’s fluid, it isn’t linear, it cannot be contained. No matter how hard we try. I like to think of life as a universe of many stars, an ocean. And we dance. There is music, an invitation to listen. We learn its rhythm and we learn to move with it. With each other.

I embrace the belief that there is no right or wrong way to be human. Maybe that’s an uncomfortable thought. Or challenging. But, to me, the human spectrum is not measured by how good or bad we are, how many big events we achieve or how well we fit in. We exist with awe, for awe. To be human, to me, is how much we let ourselves to wonder. To be in amazement. To remain still in the mystery. With ourselves. With each other. With love, or God.

I enter 35 in awe, in wonder. And for that, I couldn’t be more proud of my heart, and my mind.

Thank you for being a part of my life, this far.